The Cabin (Risks)

Here is something I wrote back in December. Enjoy!

Splinters threaten my fingertips
and flames beg to feast upon
the pine trees that are stacked
like Lincoln Logs. Each log is etched
with carvings of pictures, notes,
and emotion. If my hand grazes
roughly against the lodging
I may be wounded. I may never
return and gaze on the amber
colors of wood and flames.
If I breathe too deeply, feeling
the pine scent tickle my nose,
I may have a reaction and the only
help would be evergreens and ivy.
But by kindling the flames
and wrapping myself in the warmth
my gaze sees that the beauty
may lay in the possibility.

Summer Goals

Here's some things that I've been wanting (or need) to do this summer. I've been compiling this list away from my computer for quite a while with the hopes of copying it here. More may be added!

- Go to the beach for a weekend.
- Get a full time job.
- Which means... quit DQ and leave with a bang!
- Write, write, write!
- Apply for internships and scholarships like a good student!
- Get a head start on math.
- Get some sun!
- Save for a car
- Visit UW and OSU
- Have Hollye visit me!
- Save money for School
- Plan for the academic year
- Make a new friend
- Advocate for something
- Be amazing (I'm running out of things)

WELL, that's about it for now. Hopefully I can think of something more witty, intelligent, or imaginary then this for the next post.

SALT 2010

Over the past week I went to Tioga, LA and worked at a Christian kids camp as a SALT (Student Action Leadership Team) member. If I could sum up what I've learned over the week I would say I learned about selfishness and selflessness.

To be selfless is something that has become obsolete in our society and in western culture. A constant push to look out for "self" is rampant amongst my generation. Self gratification is apparent in the epidemic of shallow friendships, rude people, and free sex. Media is our professor.

And what I have begun to realize is that even the most religious person can be the most selfish. Individuals go to church to feel safe and welcomed. But is that what this relationship with God is all about?

No... that's the simple answer.

The more complex answer is something like this: when God gives you a blessing He not only wants, but expects you to share it with someone else. I am remembering the scripture that says "To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin."

Selflessness is one of those amazing win/win situations because there is something amazing that happens to yourself when you freely give.

This post isn't poetic or wise. It just is. And for some reason, that's ok.

It's Necessary

Confusion is a necessary component to maturity. Maturity is a necessary ingredient for a productive life. A productive life is necessary essential to happiness.

Twenty

I currently have two pages left for my term paper. But I can't focus on it. So here I am blogging about being twenty.

"So do you feel older?" That's the question I get every year after my birthday. It's the question my parent's friends ask and then laugh with that laugh that says "you've barely lived".

And it is here that I realize that I HAVE lived, but never loved. And I'm wondering how the two have never met somewhere in the middle of my life. If I graphed my life, love would never intersect amongst all the craziness for the last 20 years of my life.

Speaking of intersecting, let me take a moment and clarify. I love people. As much as some people would argue that I am incapable of love, I really do love people. I love my family, I love my friends, I love God, I love the mentors in my life. But I've never been "IN love", as they say. Maybe this is why I get a bit on edge when sixteen year olds are claiming they are in love. But who am I to judge when I, myself, am not familiar with that feeling?

I'm not writing this to get a response telling me that I'll find someone some day and etc. I'm writing this to just say "I've never been in love, but I think it's ok."

It's as simple as that. As much as I, and most people, want someone to love them and for them to reciprocate the love, it hasn't happened. And I'm not going to go looking for something I'm obviously not ready for.

Let me explain some reasons behind my logic.

1. 7 years of school left. Yeah, that's a lot of time. Some may think I'll wake up someday and suddenly have the desire to settle down. I can't ever imagine that. And if loving someone means giving up ALL my goals, ambitions, and dreams, I am not ready.
2. "You are too ambitious for me." This statement was made in the middle of a conversation I had with a male last year. I'm sorry --- wait. NO I'M NOT! Seriously, if I have too much ambition, then get more! Sorry, sore subject.
3. Broken hearts possessed by other 20 year olds and younger. I'm really not interested in the drama that relationships at my age seem to come with. It's like a packaged deal! "FREE subscription of drama!! Value priced! Don't wait, Get in a relationship now!" Ugh, too many exclamation points - that says it all.

So yes, I'm 20 and have never been in love. And when I turn 21 I'll have the same question asked and that same laugh implying oh so much. But it's ok. Because somehow I realize that I'm living a fantastic, terrifying, overwhelming, amazing, sometimes boring, life. And love just doesn't fit into the equation right now.

This has just been a long beginning... More to come.