Once, I Didn't Run

1. Rain
I run while it rains because I'm trying to get
away from the downpour of questions.Maybe I should have ran
the first time you spoke the words you can trust me.

2. Storms
If a sentence could be a siren, words like those would signal
a storm. I should have ran
to the shelter that survives mistrust
similar to wind gusts and the disgust I feel for believing
in a different outcome.

3. Umbrella
But I can see you
waiting with an umbrella (you look
like sunshine)
if I would stop being so stubborn;
but it's Portland, umbrellas are for tourists,
silly.

4. Sunshine
Don't make me laugh (spoken through half
a chuckle). I want to stay melancholy
so I pretend to not get your comedy.
If I laugh enough, I'll trust too much.
But you catch me laughing on the inside, want
to take it to the outside; it will rain there.

5. Snow
Is snow better or worse than rain?
There was a blizzard
that made you the safest place to be
even when you spoke something so unsettling
you should trust me. There was too much
darkness and fir trees, snowflakes making
small hills look like mountain peaks. For once,
more scared of what was out than what is within,
I didn't run.
The question remains, is snow better or worse
than rain?

Depressing post, alright...

I believe that we all have different things that we lean against for security. For me, it's been friends and my goals and ambitions. Honestly, my goals and the progress to accomplish things have given me more confidence in my life than anything else. That is why right now, that confidence seems to be fading. My goals, although still in place, don't seem to be getting any closer to completion. In fact, more questions keep arising. More obstacles keep coming up. But what is to be done? Part of me wants to pack my bags and start somewhere new and push past the fear of falling flat on my face. Ok, most of me wants to just pack my bags. It's not that I don't like Portland or the people here. I do have friends here, my family is here. But what am I doing here? Right now?... Nothing. I've been contemplating purpose a lot lately. I've lost sight of mine, if I ever really saw it. You only live one life, and it passes as if its a mere moment. Should I live discontent? I don't think so... And yet I am stuck. There's so many things I've listed on bucket lists and life to do lists, and where am I at in making those things happen? Nowhere near where I should be! I'm running out of time, and yet I'm only running into brick walls.

Bad Poetry

I spend this time writing poetry about you
and your absurd way of singing
each thought and I just thought
maybe you would take some time to write
a poem for me, even if it is no good. After all,
I'll take what I can get and it would be equal
to what I'm giving. I don't know how to do things
like liking, but I'm sure you've also got a song
for that. If only music could really fix the problems
bottled up inside. There's a list of them as long as a list
of cliches I always seem to write. Perhaps, i am not
unique after all. I would be ok with a mediocre me if
there was an extraordinary us. I hate to admit it, but
there's strength to be found in holding hands.
Write me a poem about how I'm a little
unstable but that's why I have you to lean on.

Silly Rambles About Love

Here is something about being sick: it gives me way too much time to think and watch romantic comedies with friends. The combination of the two does not bide very well. Individuals tend to act as though unrequited love is the victor of heartbreaks. But my opinion, all though very biased and one-sided, significantly differs.

There is something to say for those who are willing to love without holding back and without too much thought. I like to say that these people "live in the clouds" and aren't very intelligent. While that may be true, I am a bit jealous of them. I see many people who are unafraid to make an effort. Disclaimer: I'm in no way advocating forwardness or attention seeking. Matters of the heart and the head should be dealt with class. But these people possess a confidence that I lack. It's the confidence that says "even if my heart is shattered in a billion pieces, I'll be OK". This confidence may not be in themselves, but it's invested into life in general. The "things will work out" mentality tends to be one that I mock while I hold a "things will work out if I use my brain and work extremely hard" thought process.

When it comes to falling in love diving into a shallow lake (dramatic) all is fair, yes? But it's not. Love and war are one and the same and someone always loses in a battle. My battleground is myself. The victor of heartbreaks is the staunch ache of knowing you aren't enough to even reach our your hand for it. The victor of heartbreaks is never having the high of love, only the withdraws of it's absence.

I say it's a simpler life without the games, the wondering, the highs, the lows. But truth be told, it's not. Today I had the thought "someday, all of my friends will be in love and I won't relate". What then? At this point of my life, it's alright to take my time and be alone; but I'm closer to 25 than 20 and I've never been close to "falling in love". I've been pinned as pessimistic but that's a misunderstanding. It's simply fear, and one that I don't want to hold on to.

This is a long/rambling/random/deardiary post, especially after so long of not posting. But now that I have the blogger app on my iPhone, maybe I will return more often. Till then!

Always Home

Based on the saying "home is where the heart is", I have always considered myself homeless. From other posts over the last week it is probably evident that I have not exactly  been the happiest person as of late. This partially due to the feelings of not belonging or having the possibility of doing so... mostly in the context of a relationship. 

But yesterday things changed. I spent the day refocusing and writing down some new and old goals. I was again inspired to take the action I need to take in order to be accomplished and successful. I'm not exactly sure when, but along the way I started wrapping my life around the opinions of others. I allowed myself to feel less than enough because I wasn't fully accepted by others. 

I made the drastic mistake of being interested in someone when I have not and am not quite on the path to achieve things of high importance. Not only that, but this person, in many ways, doesn't know me. I gave it a chance and I can't say I fully regret that. But I learned that if someone isn't taking the steps to really know you, walk away. Or run away. Do whatever necessary to not be trapped by silly emotions. 

That is exactly what I have done. And it feels amazing. I am not going to deny that I find pleasure in being in control. I like to know where my life if is going. I like to know the possible outcomes of a situation. I like to plan, plan, plan. And then follow through to the end. So this regaining of control over not only my goals but my emotions has left me with a sense of strength.

But there is still that nagging that asks if I am homeless or restless because my heart doesn't exactly have a home. The answer is no. The heart is an internal organ in the body. And if the saying is true, I am home wherever my body is. I am home when I have restful nights of sleep. I am home when I stand tall and smile at the people who have rejected me. I am home when I go to work, classes, and graduate from college. I am home when I laugh with my best friends. This is real life. I feel alive.