Do Not Love Me

Do not love me to death,
but love me to the life I believed
impossible. Ask me if I want it all
and then hand me the lasso so I can
catch my own moon. Name the stars
after my accomplishments and seep
your confidence into me like the tea
of chamomile and the robustness
of coffee. Let this calm energy
take us night watching as the haze
of what we lacked, lifts.

Vacancy

Right now I can only count
back the days since I have
seen your persuasive smile.
Your vacancy is the origin
of an unknown way to keep
time and in this calendar,
holidays are marked as the times
we conversed about vitality.
Weekends are recognized as
the moments we dispensed
childlike honesty. Sunrises
are marked through as a step
further from the last time
my eyes were drenched
with the view of your face.
Sunsets are blemished by
the space between now
and your return.

Reflections on 2011 and thoughts for 2012

I was looking back at posts around this time last year. Of course, I commentated about the upcoming year, wrote something pessimistic about the lack of commitment people have to resolutions, and made implications about  my own determination to have a successful year. But to put it simply, this year was incredibly difficult. But despite its difficulties I can say that much has been learned.

I recognize that there have been certain people who have pulled me through this year. These people may not have been aware of everything going on, but they astounded me (and continue to do so) with their resistance to run away from my crazy moments. I enjoy the though of me being a logical person, void of mood swings and the stereotypical, female antics. But honestly, I am aware that I can abort relationships by being emotionally closed off, abundant in pride, lacking in friendliness, and thoroughly honesty and opinionated. I am amazed that individuals have possibly seen something else and didn't give up on me. Maybe it was my witty, sarcastic sense of humor, my driving ambition, along with my impeccable ability to make plans. And the previously heartfelt moment has now ended.

I am not looking at 2012 saying "this will be the best year of my life". Instead, I want to tackle this coming year with the knowledge that it will undoubtedly be a struggle, and yet one that I (with a little help from friends) will conquer. Somehow, this excites me. I wonder if this is maturity. There are two things I want to work on and I believe them to be the root of many other things: trust and pride. The two are childhood friends; I do not trust people or God because that somehow makes me weak. Here is the pride side of things. I'm not sure where I learned how to think like this, but I am seeing how a general lack of trust and a large quantity of pride can ruin a person professionally, spiritually, and in relationships. I'm not sure about you, but I would prefer to not damage myself unnecessarily. 

What is it about the end of the year or the Holidays that make me excessively use adjectives/adverbs and be superbly emotional and vulnerable? And the end of another lengthy post. 

Bucket List

Ever since I was around 12 I have been creating lists of things that are important for me to accomplish. I  have been meaning to post my bucket list on this blog for quite a while. Here it finally is! Some of these are silly, but I guess if I wrote it down, it was important to me at some point. If something is crossed out, it means I have accomplished it.

1. Travel through out Europe.
2. Get married.
3. Adopt children.
4. Get my Bachelors Degree.
5. Obtain my Masters Degree.
6. Live downtown.
7. Work downtown.
8. Live on my own before getting married.
9. Have my poetry published.
10. Work at a coffee shop.
11. Perform my own music.
12. Sing in front of a large audience.
13. Record my own music.
14. Write a book.
15. Manage a non-profit.
16. Learn how to play piano.
17. Learn how to play acoustic guitar.
18. Be a good cook.
19. Learn a foreign language.
20. Have a garden.
21. Go on a road trip, Pacific to the Atlantic.
22. Be an extra in a movie.
23. Be in a reality TV show.
24. Have a best friend. 
25. Live in DC for a year.
26. Live in NYC for a year.
27. Tell a guy I like him.
28. Make home-made pasta.
29. Take First Aid/ CPR classes.
30. Overcome my fear of jumping into water!
31. Take a pottery class. 
32. Take an unexpected trip.
33. Sing karaoke. 
34. Own a home.
35. Own a car.
36. Meet Adele.
37. Make an epic YouTube video.
38. Take a poetry writing class.
39. Fall in love.
40. Have a blog with followers I don't know.
41. Hitchhike.
42. Save someone's life.
43. Study abroad. 
44. Take an art class.
45. Take voice lessons.
46. Be outgoing and confident.
47. Be a strong leader.
48. Go camping.
49. Make my own clothing.
50. Be a someone's mentor.
51. Be in a singing competition.
52. Be in the newspaper.
53. Learn how to be a good photographer.
54. Plan someone else's wedding.
55. Decorate a home.
56. Start my own business.
57. Create my own secret/family recipe.
58. Be in a protest.
59.  Get an Iphone.
60. Buy my own laptop.
61. Write a script for a play.
62. Work with kids.
63. Research my family history.
64. Get contacts.
65. Be good at volleyball.
66. Visit every state in the US.
67. Travel throughout the Middle East. 
68. Build a tree house. 
69. Have a personal library in my home.
70. Read the Bible through.
71. Invent something.

So this is an incomplete list... but it's rather lengthy as is! It was nice to cross some things out.

Guarded

I will remember

today as the day

you caught more 

than my attention.

You commandeered

my heart with kindness

and commanded

my focus with sincerity.

Do not maroon me 

now that I've tasted

the gold and silver

of companionship.

Do not pirate my
guarded emotions.
I have been swindled
before and there is little
worse than the aftermath
of deceit.