Twenty

I currently have two pages left for my term paper. But I can't focus on it. So here I am blogging about being twenty.

"So do you feel older?" That's the question I get every year after my birthday. It's the question my parent's friends ask and then laugh with that laugh that says "you've barely lived".

And it is here that I realize that I HAVE lived, but never loved. And I'm wondering how the two have never met somewhere in the middle of my life. If I graphed my life, love would never intersect amongst all the craziness for the last 20 years of my life.

Speaking of intersecting, let me take a moment and clarify. I love people. As much as some people would argue that I am incapable of love, I really do love people. I love my family, I love my friends, I love God, I love the mentors in my life. But I've never been "IN love", as they say. Maybe this is why I get a bit on edge when sixteen year olds are claiming they are in love. But who am I to judge when I, myself, am not familiar with that feeling?

I'm not writing this to get a response telling me that I'll find someone some day and etc. I'm writing this to just say "I've never been in love, but I think it's ok."

It's as simple as that. As much as I, and most people, want someone to love them and for them to reciprocate the love, it hasn't happened. And I'm not going to go looking for something I'm obviously not ready for.

Let me explain some reasons behind my logic.

1. 7 years of school left. Yeah, that's a lot of time. Some may think I'll wake up someday and suddenly have the desire to settle down. I can't ever imagine that. And if loving someone means giving up ALL my goals, ambitions, and dreams, I am not ready.
2. "You are too ambitious for me." This statement was made in the middle of a conversation I had with a male last year. I'm sorry --- wait. NO I'M NOT! Seriously, if I have too much ambition, then get more! Sorry, sore subject.
3. Broken hearts possessed by other 20 year olds and younger. I'm really not interested in the drama that relationships at my age seem to come with. It's like a packaged deal! "FREE subscription of drama!! Value priced! Don't wait, Get in a relationship now!" Ugh, too many exclamation points - that says it all.

So yes, I'm 20 and have never been in love. And when I turn 21 I'll have the same question asked and that same laugh implying oh so much. But it's ok. Because somehow I realize that I'm living a fantastic, terrifying, overwhelming, amazing, sometimes boring, life. And love just doesn't fit into the equation right now.

This has just been a long beginning... More to come.