Sunday, November 30, 2014

Dirt

I want to be a leaf
with complex coloring
as it is on the verge
of falling. 
Even then, it momentarily
retains beauty
while I am instead 
the dirt on the bottom
of a man's boot; he
always wipes those shoes
before entering any place. 
His mother still tells
him that good boys
don't play in the mud. 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Subway Mice

Sometimes I think
about the mice
on the subway tracks
as they go back and forth
until they feel the rumble
that makes them run
away and isn't it crazy
that we create their
routine by having
one of our own
except I think they may
actually know where the hell
they want to be
and want to go. 

Postcards

It was under the repetitious
sunsets of cape cod
that I learned 
to not mail postcards 
to boys back home
because you'll be sitting 
on a large rock
with the tide again greeting
your toes 
and you're again
seeing blurred pinks and oranges
you realize that he
again sees ink 
where you're telling him how 
much you miss him
and at this point the sun
already set 
on all of those moments. 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Shoulders

Have you ever seen
someone laugh
with their shoulders?
up
and 
down
like they are shaking
away all the things 
that weigh on these
human ledges and 
keep then slouched. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Oregon Pinot

When I saw the woman
walking downtown
wiping her eyes
with a mcdonalds napkin 
I could only hope 
she was heading home
to trade that napkin 
for an Oregon Pinot 
crafted in the Willamette 
Valley where the grapes
are squeezed and processed 
to become the comfort for us
women who have cried in public. 

Quilt

am used to compliments
laced with intentions
and my honesty knitted
to misconceptions. 
I am making a quilt
of every moment
I have sat at a bar
with a man buying
me drinks while I still 
felt cold. Tonight,
I will turn in early with 
the heaviness of this fabric
trying to warm me
in my sleep. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Touch

The muscles in my 
body tell me 
how much you care. 
Damn, do they ache
with the consideration 
that I am
nothing
but a body
and mostly 
one not worthy
of touch. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Ode to You

I bet
you have been checking
this blog every day 
to see when I would 
finally
write about you. 
Well
here it is. 
I hope this poem
never gets famous.
I hope this poem 
is awful.
There's nothing concrete
here. There never was.  

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I Admit It

I'll admit it:
sometimes I cry. 
Aren't you supposed to
let the faucet run
while the garbage disposal
is on? I think
I am good at dropping 
emotion down the drain. 
But I'll admit it:
sometimes it's all of me
spinning into many pieces;
Some things are just 
disposable. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Going

You have become 
an overgrown lawn
and I have never 
been one to maintain
large yards and gardens
at homes,
places that more than
just                       me
fit into. 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Vices

When I exhale the smoke
I try to imagine 
that I am          releasing
parts of you that I've breathed 
in. I wish the scent didn't linger. 
There's nothing worse 
than the staleness in my hair 
to remind me that the calm was only temporary. The sweet taste 
on my lips is dismissed when 
I am sick for more
only to find you 
have become         aloof. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

A Weed Or A Flower

I am unsure
whether to fear
all of the miles
or all of the feelings
that fill them. 

I am almost sure 
that this long distance
has fertilized
empty fields from 
here to there. 

Look at the space 
half way between
and I am sure
we will see
blossoming. 

Beach Walks

You are like a sea
shell I once found
on a lonely beach walk. 
It was half buried in wet
sand and after it was
uncovered I could see 
the rigid side. But I
discovered that when I 
put my lips close
to blow away remaining 
dust I could see all its colors. 
I understood that even 
empty and broken ones
are beautiful. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Sun

We rejoice
at the sunshine 
like it is our god
delivering us from
evil. We never 
recognize the 
shadows the light
assists in making. 

River

There's a blue protruding 
vein on her upper left arm
that resembles a large river
line on a map. It makes sense
since she is often a body
of water others glide over
to get somewhere else
or dried ink people 
trace with overworked fingers
while they think of all the places
they would rather be. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Watching Strangers

I was eating a slice
in my PJs when I saw
him through the apartment
window I was gawking
out of. It was barely 5pm
and the man, young 
like me, was walking with
a brown paper clothed bottle
that seemed to weigh him,
down to his feet. I couldn't
help but to worry. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Coffee

The men I sleep
with make darn
good coffee. I find
the delicious bitterness
a change from 
the deceiving sweetness
I taste in the black 
mud served 
at the place I called
home with people
I call family.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I Wouldn't Know

maybe the difference
is that you'll do any
thing for someone
you love

but
you can't do anything
without someone
you're in love with.

then again
who am I to know?
you left me
stationary
with lack of opportunity
to grasp this knowledge.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

You Look Sad

I'm afraid
that if I pick happiness
like a flower
and drop it in your eyes
like a vase 
I will only be seeing
beauty 
destined to wither.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

20 Poems #20

I did it! 20 poems in 20 days. Here is the final one.

I never know when to use
worse or worst
and I wish I did
because this poem
is the worst place
to not know.
What is worse
than not hearing
answers to my
grammar questions?
Maybe I was holding
out for another lesson.
Maybe the whole issue
is too many typos
and too many
misunderstandings.

20 Poems #19

I read a book
that was full of you
with chicken scratch
from someone too afraid
to say simple things
like I like you.

I'm writing a book
that is full of someone
new with calligraphic
scripts of things
I wasn't afraid to say
like I like you. 

20 Poems #18

All these corners 
are dusted like they 
are on showcase. 
All these windows
are clear like 
someone needs to
see through them.
I clean to maintain
control and I swear
my home was never
this organized before
I met you. 

20 Poems #17

There had been 
too many drills 
where I took time
to grab my things
but this wasn't a smoke
signal I inhaled. 
I am stuck empty
handed with buzzing
in my ears. 

20 Poems #16

I was on a dock
looking through stationary
binoculars

and I could see your details

but the look in your hazel eyes 
couldn't meet mine.

That's the thing about looking
through something:

we have stopped seeing some
one.

20 Poems #15

I put on the last words
you spoke to me
like armor complete
with a sword and shield
to protect me from the battle
I am having with your
disappearance.

20 Poems #14

He said he wouldn't
disappear
but magicians
always know 
where the card 
is while the audience
is left wondering
what
just
happened.

20 Poems #13

I have always loved
the abandoned
so it makes sense
that I am now learning
to love myself.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

20 Poems: #12

I have been
just going
for so long
and for once
I wish you
would walk
behind me
and convince
me to stay
and maybe
even follow
if I don't.

20 Poems: #11

Should I have known
that you would bring
me a plethora
of angst
with a smile
on your face
like you were handing
me a glass of wine
and a bar
of chocolate?

20 Poems #10

I know that #9 isn't posted, but that's intentional as it isn't appropriate for this particular blog.

I have never believed
love
to be a four letter word
but instead many words
I do not have
the vocabulary to utter.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

20 Poems #8

The quality of these drafts just continue to diminish. 

Happiness is a beast
I keep behind
closed doors with
a lock. I won't let
the key people call
love loose it and let it
run away.
It isn't meant to be free
in the streets.
I bought this animal
for my own company
by spending
countless hours
trying to decide
what was most wrong
with me
and finally I concluded
that my biggest downfall
was letting you see
me as anything
but myself.

Monday, May 12, 2014

20 Poems #7

He should thank you
for making me feel
like feet drowning
in wet boots.
He simply slipped
them off and dried
them by the fire
of kindness
I told him not to kindle.
"But I like being nice
to you" he said.

20 Poems #6

Tonight,the coldness
is especially lonely.
I remember
when there was warmth
between us
without touching
like we both knew
that contact
would make a combustion
that could not be extinguished.
I saw you yesterday;
our eyes met
and I only saw fog.
I have been breathing
in this bitterness
but when I exhale
I cannot see my breath.
You have always carried
a way to cloud
my existence.

Free write: I wish you knew

It's a free write type of night since I desperately feel like I have to write but nothing seems to come together. 

I wish you knew 
that I don't smile like that for anyone else.
that I don't tell people nice things because it makes me feel too vulnerable.
how to be vulnerable.
how stupid happy I got when I saw you.
how stupid sad I got when I looked at myself.
how I feel stupid when I feel anything.
that my regret feels like feet drowning in wet boots.
that you are in my poetry.
that you are a bridge.
I like bridges.
my last name.
my handwriting.
how expensive makeup brushes are.
how expensive vacations are.
how difficult it is to vacation from my head.
my uncertainty.

I wish you didn't know
that distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder.
how bad my hair looks some mornings.
about New York City.
my recipes.
what makes me laugh.
my hands.
that hesitancy is a backpack of bricks.
her name.
her.
my availability.



Sunday, May 11, 2014

20 Poems #5

I made my hair
have fringe
so you cannot see
the dimple over my left
eyebrow that deepens
when I worry.
You told me my face
holds too much
expression. But the truth
is that no one else
has ever looked.
I fell asleep
during hide and seek
and you woke
me from that peace.
Who knew that being
found would bring
back this dent
in my head?

Monday, May 5, 2014

20 Poems #4

You see yourself 
as a thrift store rag. 
But boy do you clean
up nicely. I didn't 
need to tailor you.
And you never made 
me think it was I 
who needed alterations.
You fit my fears 
and so I fear
I will wear you out. 

20 Poems #3

I used the prompt "I used to be, but now I". I may take a couple of the ideas and expand them later. 

I used to be a child, now I'm immature. 
I used to be alone, now I'm just lonely. 
I used to be a ship, now I am an airplane. 
I used to be a box, now I am a cup. 
I used to be a box, now I am flat. 
I used to be fat, now I am me. 
I used to be independent, now I'm lonely. 
I used to be a dripping faucet, now I am a river. 
I used to be a stove top, now I am a forest fire. 
I used to cry, now I weep. 
I used to want you, now I want us.
I used to be a tree, now I am the cabin. 

20 Poems #2

He doesn't realize
that his fingertips
are paintbrushes that 
made art on my shoulders. 

He doesn't realize
that I was a blank
canvas and he 
has stained me. 

He doesn't realize 
that I became a relique 
placed behind glass,
no one can touch. 

He doesn't realize 
I would rather be
the tarp on his floor 
to still feel his existence
and catch some of his color. 

20 Poems #1

I made a goal to write 20 poems in 20 days as apart of a wholistic cleanse I am currently doing. Some will be extra rough draft status and I will be using prompts on some days. Enjoy. 

I can only skim the pages 
of our stories. 
I wonder if there is a plot. 
I wonder what the point
of his character is. 
Maybe there is a twist
in future chapters
where it suddenly matters
to more than one of us. 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Space

I wrote this more with the intention of spoken word but I thought I would post it anyways. 

I said if you broke my heart
you would revive my pen
so here I am writing 
about Saturday night
and how all I could think 
of were the ways 
I am to blame for this space 
between us. Maybe distance 
isn't the reason for this divide. 
Maybe time zones 
are not the cause for
"could have beens"
going awry.
Perhaps each time the sun
has set earlier for you
your desire fades a bit too. 
And perhaps I keep waiting
for us to be in the light
when it will never be the same
shining as that spring fling
when I sat on your couch 
and the rays peaked through
the space in your blackout blinds
and in that moment 
we both wanted the same thing. 
I said if you broke my heart
you would revive my pen
but I never wanted 
to write about you.
Even between all the miles 
I cannot clear enough space
in my head
to comprehend the chemistry 
that resulted in a combustion. 
You are the only someone
I have made some sense to. 
We said we wouldn't fight
the inevitable gap. 
But all I know 
is that even if there 
was an ocean between us 
there's an even bigger sea
between me and everyone else.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Couches

A couch would save
me when I kept falling
from balconies
in childhood dreams.

Your couch saved me
when I kept falling
from insecurities
in adulthood realities.

Do not move me
from these cushions.
You have moved me
enough.

How is it possible
to fall so precisely
into comfort
and next to relief?

Magnet Poetry #5

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Comfortable

This is the part before I post the poem where I write a disclaimer to say that it's a creative piece and not necessarily how I feel.... just in case someone reads this.

You make me consider
the big and skinny hands
on my watch
which has become
attached
to my wrist.
I'm always checking
for you
in the places
we would belong
if we called
the same city home.
But this rose city
has withered
a bit and I'm rising
to the idea that I belong
in places where I am
most myself.
As I recall
your couch
and Boston Bruins
fleece were rather
comfortable.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Muse

I have already tried 
to write your poetry
almost as if I already held 
and released the hope of an us. 
Except maybe this time there was
            maybe even is
                               us. 
But it begs the question
When do you become my muse?
If you break my heart
you'll revive my pen 
but I have never considered 
writing less than now. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

New

I have found myself
drinking a new wine,
watching hockey, 
and ordering in. 
You are the summer 
season that will pass. 
You are something new
but new things don't last.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Nothing

I ordered ginger ale
for my stomach
and rum for my head. 
But I still feel sick
from your indifference
and fatigued by my thinking. 
We are the most confusing 
nothing I have ever seen. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Invalid Crying

I revisited 
a gravesite
I had no authority
to weep at. 
How ridiculous 
I must look 
with black water
racing down 
each cheek
like a contest 
to see which 
can escape 
more quickly.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Magnet Poetry #4


Magnet Poetry #3


Shrinking

I know walking away 
well enough to know 
that you have a freckle 
on the back of your right ear. 
Every time 
you get to walking 
I watch the small spot 
get smaller
and I wonder if it looks
back at me
as I am also
shrinking. 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Reasons

Be the motive
for the breeze
destroying 
my hair. 
Be the design
for splattered shoes
and bruised heels.
Be the cause
for heavy breathing. 
Chase me
so I have a reason 
to run away.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Windows

Eyes are windows
so I cut my hair
like drapes. 
Don't you dare 
swing them open. 
You will be blinded 
by what you see. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Aging

1. We were all
paper waiting
for the ink of time
to etch love
stories on our lines. 

2. The ink
has smudged
under our eye lids. 
We are folded 
and creased. 

3. Who remembers 
when it was a blank
page?

4. Who reads
these stories?
Sometimes, even I
forget who you are. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Graffiti

The side of the road
is our blog.
We posted our poetry
on the side walks
and walls where
the world can see.
This feeling
makes handcuffs
and community service
feel like a party.
As long as train passengers
look up and recognize
where there was love.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

A Challenge

She is the type of person
who puts falling in love
on her bucket list
right up there
with visiting each continent
and overcoming her fear
of jumping into
water.

You cannot convince one
like that
with the normal gestures.
Just be almost
unachievable.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Fear

I convince myself
you loved me
                so much
                you went
                              away. 
It happened to be
the one 
time
I was prepared
to stay. 

Maybe we should start
running
together. 

To those who didn't get away

I keep you all in a jar
like a collection of coins
from each journey, holding
on to those who think of me. 

But what is the point 
of all this currency gained
when you have no value
where I want to be? 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Earthquake

I wake up convinced
the great earthquake has occurred.
The west coast will be consumed
by fractured foundations
and an engulf of water.
But no, it is only I who quivers.
Everything else is settled
while my insides are what trembles.

One Year Later

It has been a year since I lost my mentor and friend, Terry Miller. This post is difficult because it brings up many feelings that I began to divorce over the last few months. Perhaps I should be telling how great a person she was and all the things she did for me in this post, but I instead want to explore those feelings I've had over the last year.

It wasn't until losing her that I realized how truly alone I had become. It's in those dark times you look to the friends and family around you for a bit of light. I in no way want to discredit the efforts some may have made, but overall, there was a sense of loneliness that I had never experienced before. I believe this is because I no longer felt the assurance of someone's support and selfless love. She wasn't gaining anything from me and still wanted a relationship.

Truthfully, some people's lack of plain ole "being there" astonished me. One person questioned my attending the funeral. Others just didn't speak. Some tried and then thought I was too depressing.... Sometimes grief will do that to a person. Because I lived in a place separate from the rest of those who were close to Terry, I felt all of this even more.

Now comes the really deep stuff. The combination of losing Terry and the lack of support, along with a general feeling of no life direction pushed me into a deep depression. When I found out that she had passed I was on my break at my job. I was devastated and literally couldn't pull myself together. I sat by the back door somewhere in between an emotional wreck and dazed. After some time, I mustered up the ability to communicate to my manager that I needed to go. My car tire had a flat that day so my mom had given me a ride to work. While I waited for her to pick me up, I was on the phone in the office with Terry's husband and other friends

That job became a thorn in my side. It somehow was set in my mind as a negative place. And yet I had to be there 35 hours a week. During work, I would be cheerfully talking over headset to customers while crying when no one could see. These feelings piled up. I remember one day in particular. I was walking up the road. There are train tracks. The rail road dinging began and I thought "this is the perfect time". I waited for the train to come, but it didn't. And when it didn't, I cried because I had lost the stomach for life and my opportunity to end it had never shown up. I don't like to admit any of this because it makes me feel weak. But it's the truth.

Shortly after, I disengaged from a harmful environment. I quit that job. I left/was removed from (depends on who/when you ask) my parents' house. And slowly, the worst year ever pushed me to be a more mentally healthy individual.

But where does that leave me today, a year later? Well, it is 1:45am. That glass of wine fit nicely with the emotional storm writing this post inflicted. It's been a year. I'm still here. I value laughter a lot more than I used to. I'm not quite a whole person again. But I'm less fractured than before. Sometimes those feelings kick me in the gut. But I have improved on mastering them. I miss her. I don't think there has been a day that goes by that I haven't thought of her. But I also miss myself. When someone close to you dies, something inside of you does as well. I know that sounds cliche but I can't think of a creative way to communicate it. There's no good way to end a post like this.

I did fail to mention my extreme gratitude to those who financially contributed to me being able to go to the funeral. Also to those who shared their hospitality while I was there. Since I'm saying thanks, also to my Pita Pit family... somehow these people landed in my life at a perfect time. To Val who let me stay with her when I didn't have a home. To Skylah who's goofiness watered my dead garden of laughter. To A... how shall I say this?... for being so self righteous and isolating me...it made a tough decision easier. To PPC, for giving me my space. To Rae for being "that girl" with me. To Seattle for showing me a new world.

And to Terry, for the 7 years of mentoring and relationship. For never giving up on me. For still looking out for me.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Missing

We don't have a picture 
together. This makes me
question how I will wake up
with the ability to conquer. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Human

It was in the middle
of a drunken
hug with a stranger
I realized I needed
                    to feel 
                   human.
It is just like you to 
miss these big moments. 

Friday, January 17, 2014

The things left unsaid

As of late, I have been feeling that there are things I haven't said that I want to. Since I love lists I thought I would make one in no particular order of these statements. Off the top of my head, there are two people in particular that a lot of these will be directed towards, but I imagine as I type more will come up.

Here goes nothing.


  • It isn't fair to string people a long.
  • She's SO incredibly fake. 
  • You can't expect me to be the adult all the time.
  • Why should I be the one to reconcile everything?
  • You never gave me a chance to speak.
  • Neither did you.
  • I'm scared to be friends again...
  • ...But I can't seem to stop myself.
  • I'm sorry.
  • I'm sorry to you too.
  • And you.
  • And everyone else.
  • I really don't like you.
  • My confidence and value does not rest in you.
  • Thanks for helping me realize I am more than I thought.
  • I love you.
  • I miss you.
  • I REALLY miss you.
  • You are not what I want.
  • You may be what I want.
  • I have no idea what I want.

January Personal Post

It has been a few months since I have made a personal post or rant. Tonight, I find myself alone watching way too much TV and movies. I have consumed way too much salt and not nearly enough chocolate. Truthfully, this night is not incredibly different than most nights. In fact, I started this post last night and didn't even have to edit it for it to be true.

Recapping 2013 is not something I'm interested in doing. More than anything, I am looking to move forward. As is the usual, I created a list of 2014 goals. Here are some of them:


  • Color my hair (done, with henna from lush...all natural)
  • Drink more water
  • Create a tangible 5 year plan
  • Cook more for myself and others
  • Make a new friend
  • 4.0 every term
  • Go to more live music shows
  • Appreciate people more vocally
I am thoughtful how last year started so pitifully because of situations out of my control. This year has begun somewhat shakey as well but entirely because of my own decisions. I feel like I can handle it though... these are things that can be fixed. I feel hopeful. I am rediscovering myself and what it means to be happy. Cheers to 2014. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bird

You are such a child
to poke at my feathers. 
You ran me off in a park 
we could have enjoyed
together. What a pity
you took pleasure in creating
discomfort. What a blessing;
you caused me to fly away. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

After Christmas

The lights come down
from the trees. 
What will this city be?
Only lonely streets with shoes
to keep them company 

A Portrait

She could carry groceries
with the bags
sitting under her eyes. 
But instead she rolled
a basket, mostly empty. 
At the edge of an intersection
she shielded herself
from the world
with permanent markered 
cardboard.