Cheers to the weekend..... and to honest blog posts.

I'm trying to think of something to write. But maybe that's my problem: thinking. I'm always over-thinking things. I replay scenarios in my head until I am either comfortable with the projected outcome or dissatisfied enough to sabotage something. This is vague. And there I go again, critiquing as I go.

It has been a while since I've done this: written without the backspace button dictating my next sentence. Maybe, even in this public place I write, there is a space for some unedited, raw, honesty. The type of honesty that might not make sense to everyone, this is it.

I'm thinking of this past year. It's amazing how many things have changed. It is amazing how many "I'm crying because of this movie and nothing else, of course" moments I've had. It's amazing how many people have walked away and how I am grateful for those who have taken steps closer. But what amazes me the most is my vast understanding as to how limited I truly am. I am ending this year with an "aha" moment, an epiphany. I have yet to decide whether this realization is negative or positive. I am leaning towards positive.

In more detail, here is this epiphany:

• I cannot change how other's think of me if they are not willing to create a relationship with me.
• I cannot mend friendships that are so severely broken. I have to be happy with forgiveness and peace.
• That boy will never notice me, until he does... and then who knows what that means! Really though, Bonnie Raitt was right; "I can't make you love me if you don't". Goodness, I can't even make myself love.   
• I am one person and I can't take on the world alone. Well, I can. I just don't want to.
• Even if I am entirely over past, hurtful situations (which I am), they greatly effect how I go about my relationships every, single day. It's not fair to myself or these other people. 
• I cannot make decisions for people, even if they are the best decisions. 
• I absolutely despise cancer. And yet there isn't ONE thing I can do to combat it... not one. It's the most helpless feeling.
• I am most exhausted when I can't fix your problems. But the truth is, I can't. I just can not. As much as I want to. As much as I try. As much money I spend or tears I cry or conversations we have. These fragmented sentences mirror my fragmented attempts. But maybe if I realize this, I can sleep at night knowing that I've done all I can. 

And if you've made it to the end of this post, congratulations. That was impressive.