We all have ideas about love. For me, ideas are all I have. I don't have life experiences or extravagant examples of love gained and love lost. Infatuation, attraction, liking, those are things I can write about with vast knowledge. But love? I might as well be writing about mathematics.
I can only speak as to what I see. The majority of the time I ridicule individuals in relationships. "I hate couples" is not a foreign phrase to me. I shun friends who begin spending a lot of time with their "significant other". I am forever claiming to be alone but not lonely. Sometimes, I avoid friendships with single guys. Because I am afraid of feeling something? No. My pessimistic perspective says that I will lose their friendship anyways. After all, the last things I want is the scrutiny of jealous girls.
But here is the vulnerable aspect of this post. Well, first a disclaimer: I don't do vulnerability well. I avoid it endlessly. And the times that I do put it on, I wear it like a baggy coat. It doesn't look good on me. I normally end up crying, and I hate crying even more than being vulnerable. End disclaimer.
I am devastatingly afraid to love. To be blunt, I am a control freak. I plan out my life years in advance. I walk away from situations that are not planned out. It drives me crazy to not have a plan. So this whole "love" thing frightens me. I do not understand it, so I avoid it, like mathematics, or science. In addition, this idea of being stricken with love is strange. To be stricken with lighting, a bat, a fist - these are all negative things. I cannot turn my brain off. I have been taught the denotations and connotations of words and yet suddenly when "love" is mentioned it is OK to be stricken, to fall, sick, etc. Sorry, folks. It doesn't work like that for me.
In addition, this whole "love" thing has too many what ifs. Like, what if my heart gets broken? What if HIS heart gets broken (I can be a very mean girl)? What if a perfectly, decent friendship is ruined? What if he is secretly married? Or secretly a creep? What if he hates my writing or singing? What if he thinks I'm too ambitious (wouldn't be the first time)? What if he dies!? I'm Jewish; being melodramatic comes quite naturally to me.
In reality, it comes down to this: fear and pride. I hold on to these distasteful qualities to shield and protect myself from others. Because as truthful and vulnerable I may be while typing right now, I can't guarantee the same any other time. If you ask me about this post in person, I'll cringe away, similar as to how I shrink from emotions.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes the longest post of this blog. Now I need to go and do something to regain a comforting level of disconnection.
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