Confessions

I have noticed a trend. The more people I am aware of reading my blog, the less raw my writing is. I don't like this. I want to be able to write what I want without worrying that this friend, or that family member, or some random stranger will not be satisfied with what I write. Do not be mistaken; I appreciate those that take the time to read my humble blog posts. As it has been said many times, "it's not you, it's me". But this post is doing away with some of that.

I think that I have been doing a lot of growing as an individual lately. I have made decisions that are completely unlike the normal "me". I see a bigger picture. Throughout my reflections, I have more firmly come to realize that how I interact with others is of the chiefest importance in my life. Granted, things don't change automatically and unhealthy habits are easier to learn than to break. There is, though, one such subject that has been somewhat of a reoccurring theme in my life and (more specifically) this blog: vulnerability. This has always been a weak area for me. To feel vulnerable was always a symbol to myself of mine own weakness. And yet, perhaps vulnerability is instead an example of strength? The more I think of this, the more I begin to see that it could be true. 

The rigid thought process in which I attempt to make all decisions (life, emotions, relationships, etc.) does not make me stronger. It simply makes me less prone to chaos and more apt to living a boring and lonely life. Letting go of some of my own control in the last few months has been both the most rewarding and trying experience. It has taught me that following "gut instinct" doesn't always lead to chaos. It has shown me that sometimes chaos takes you places that inflexible calculations will not. 

And so the whole point of this lengthy post is that I am hoping to return to some writing that is more than form, alliteration, slant rhymes, etc. I thought I would start with a list of confessions. Don't get your hopes up too much... it won't be anything super important... baby steps.

1. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever finish college. I act like I have it all figured out, but with finances, other obligations, and the occasional feeling of complete inadequacy, the skeptic inside arises.
2. The people I really trust can be counted on one hand. 
3. The people I will never trust cannot be counted on many hands.
4. I actually have been interested in more guys than I ever have let on (most people can't name two guys I have liked). Still, this number is probably below average which I am OK with. 
5. Until recently, I have felt that the whole possibility of dating thing was REALLY far into my future. 
6. I've had to sever some relationships because they weren't good for me. It felt selfish. 
7. I enjoy big groups, but sometimes I just want to be with two or three people who are really important to me.
8. That sense of belonging to a group exists for me about 50% of the time. The other half, I am roaming around trying to figure out what's happening. Sometimes this gets me down and other times the solitude is nice. 
9. I have to have a project or I get really bored and start feeling like life is meaningless (insert typical Jewish melodramatics here!). 
10. Sometimes I care. It's not always no big deal.

And here, I conclude.