Loss

I am not sure when the right time to write about the loss I've experienced since January will be. I'm not even sure it all started in January. I just know that when my body is not fatigued from working at least 50 hours a week, my mind is fatigued from having too much time to think. It's funny how one can't seem to win either way.

I don't really cry, although I often feel bricks in my chest. Sometimes it happens in the middle of helping a customer, or when I am doing dishes in the back room. Sometime it occurs when I try to sleep at night. At other times, I pull over on the side of the road, intoxicated by far too many emotions.

How is it fair for so many people to make you feel like you aren't enough when one person who was always so encouraging is no longer there? There is no balance.

At times I wonder if investments ever pay off. I was invested in, but I constantly doubt myself. I constantly wonder if I am capable of releasing the appropriate payoff. And the time I have invested in others seems to be meaningless in mere moments.

It has taken an hour for me to write this. And I still don't feel like I should post it. For once, I'm not afraid of vulnerability. Instead, afraid of so much more.