Destiny

I am most thankful

you pushed me away,

enabling me to break

like a falling tree

destined to be

the wooden harbor

where other can dock

their troubles. 

Crossword Puzzle

You have always been

the crossword puzzle

I cannot complete. 

My words never fit

into your boxes. 

I have never succeeded

at your trivia. You have

always been the challenge

and every answer. 

Can I write something 

that doesn't makes sense

but makes this finished?

Time

I have measured time by songs. 

It has been an entire album

collection since I last saw you. 

Music is no longer good. 

It has turned into the ticking

of a clock. It has become

the alarm of your departure. 

Getting Serious

Let us never get serious

about us. Can we not

laugh our way through 

whatever this currently 

is, onto whatever will be?

I always thought I needed

a hand to hold with understanding. 

But how many times has humor 

been the shoulder to lean upon?

You know me enough

to make the corners of my mouth

twitch. You will never

need to learn again. 

Dysfunction

I would be cheating 

to look love in the eye

more than once. 

I have been married 

to dysfunction 

and divorce is too costly. 

Words

It doesn't matter how loudly 

you yell "I love you"

If you are lounging

on the other side

of sound proof walls.  

Unseen

Every moment made me miss

you more until time halted

and shifted me around like

a used cup in the back

of your messy car. 

And then every moment made me

miss you less

until you saw me again

and picked me up like something 

that could be reused. 

I have never felt so strongly

the desire to again be

unseen. 

Anchor

You settled my seasickness

when you validated 

my need to float alone. 

You sunk my ambition

when you sailed away

without cause.

I would have let you be 

the anchor

to my meandering. 

Good Intentions

Do not give me your good

intentions. I have no use

for another bag of bricks.

Give me passion that makes

intentions look like goodwill

donations. Make me believe

by setting stones to create 

a safe space where we can 

talk about everything

that went wrong, even us.

Miscellaneous thoughts

Sometimes I stop writing because it reveals too much about myself. I am frightened of me. More than that, I am fearful of my dependence on others. 

Today I realized that someone I have considered a close friend has never apologized to me for the duration of our friendship. I wonder how healthy of a friendship that is. Truth be told, this isn't even abnormal for me. I hoard people in my life that are continually hurtful without regard or remorse. I constantly feel the need to fix things. I would rather be sucker punched than say I am sorry. I do it anyways because I.... I actually have no idea. 

Ironically, I have indepthly discussed how hurtful it was for other people to ignore and isolate me. We can talk about this for hours but we aren't allowed to talk about how her summer of love (or not at all) was my summer of finding out that my dad has a brain tumor. And this year, this bloody, hellish, awful year.... I was "too depressing to be around". But it was my fault I lost people. That's what was said, right? Oh, I didn't know I was the manufacturer of LEUKEMIA. And for the record, being in a person's prayers is a cop out if that person isn't in the other's life. 

Maybe I should be more forgiving as this could just be an indication of a privileged life. But the thing holding me back is that before I experienced any of this bull (fill in the blanks) I was 100% there for others who needed me, regardless of really understanding from experience. I don't give a (fill in the blanks again) what you can give to me. Be present or be nothing. 

Where exactly does one go from here? Click publish draft and let the public see my personal ramblings? I suppose it doesn't matter, huh?