Today I realized that someone I have considered a close friend has never apologized to me for the duration of our friendship. I wonder how healthy of a friendship that is. Truth be told, this isn't even abnormal for me. I hoard people in my life that are continually hurtful without regard or remorse. I constantly feel the need to fix things. I would rather be sucker punched than say I am sorry. I do it anyways because I.... I actually have no idea.
Ironically, I have indepthly discussed how hurtful it was for other people to ignore and isolate me. We can talk about this for hours but we aren't allowed to talk about how her summer of love (or not at all) was my summer of finding out that my dad has a brain tumor. And this year, this bloody, hellish, awful year.... I was "too depressing to be around". But it was my fault I lost people. That's what was said, right? Oh, I didn't know I was the manufacturer of LEUKEMIA. And for the record, being in a person's prayers is a cop out if that person isn't in the other's life.
Maybe I should be more forgiving as this could just be an indication of a privileged life. But the thing holding me back is that before I experienced any of this bull (fill in the blanks) I was 100% there for others who needed me, regardless of really understanding from experience. I don't give a (fill in the blanks again) what you can give to me. Be present or be nothing.
Where exactly does one go from here? Click publish draft and let the public see my personal ramblings? I suppose it doesn't matter, huh?
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