Free write: I wish you knew

It's a free write type of night since I desperately feel like I have to write but nothing seems to come together. 

I wish you knew 
that I don't smile like that for anyone else.
that I don't tell people nice things because it makes me feel too vulnerable.
how to be vulnerable.
how stupid happy I got when I saw you.
how stupid sad I got when I looked at myself.
how I feel stupid when I feel anything.
that my regret feels like feet drowning in wet boots.
that you are in my poetry.
that you are a bridge.
I like bridges.
my last name.
my handwriting.
how expensive makeup brushes are.
how expensive vacations are.
how difficult it is to vacation from my head.
my uncertainty.

I wish you didn't know
that distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder.
how bad my hair looks some mornings.
about New York City.
my recipes.
what makes me laugh.
my hands.
that hesitancy is a backpack of bricks.
her name.
her.
my availability.