Shame

I recently watched two Ted Talks by Brene Brown. One of them was about vulnerability and the other was about shame. I would highly suggest that you watch both videos. They made me think a lot. Vulnerability is somewhat of a reoccurring theme in this blog of mine. But shame is something I have never taken the time to dive into.

These are some of my favorite quotes from the videos: "Vulnerability is not weakness... It is our most accurate measure of courage. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.... Shame is the gremlin that says 'I'm not good enough'. Shame is not guilt. Guilt is 'I made a mistake'. Shame is 'I am a mistake'. Shame is an epidemic in our culture and to find our way back to each other we have to know empathy. Empathy is the antidote of shame."

If vulnerability is indeed our most accurate measure of courage, sharing with each other the stories of shame that personally haunts us is an act of strength. Grasping this concept is nearly impossible when each person seems to be holding so tightly to a persona of perfection. I have decided, though, that I would share some pieces of truth regarding myself. I am doing this a bit for myself and a bit for you. And so it begins.

I ask myself what the origin of my shame is. But I can't find that if I am not willing to admit that shame in my life exists and identify it.

It exists. More than I want to admit. Sometimes people say I am heartless. This isn't something I have heard from one or two people. Multiple people have told me this. Mostly it's in jest, but in every joke there is a bit of truth, right? I'm not heartless; I am guarded. If I just pretend to be unmovable, maybe I will be. It's a lie.

My shame looks something like
running away from emotions because that makes me weak.
never starting (or quitting) a project because I won't be good enough at it.
sabotaging relationships because of my own feelings of inferiority.
wide-eyed fear, shaken out of a deep sleep.

My shame sounds something like
crying when I'm trying to sleep.
advice given to others that I never accept for myself.
bitter words.

My shame feels like
heartbreak, self broken.
failure, self induced.
frustration, self produced.

This is shame. Sometimes it's more alive in my life than other times. I am sure I am doing this to somehow minimize what I just said, but there's also a lot of happiness, joy, real strength, and peace in my life as well. But pretending that shame does not exist disables me from ever grabbing the hand of a friend and telling them that we will push through together. Denial disengages us. Disconnecting ourselves from the knowledge of these feelings disconnects us from every other imperfect person.

I don't know how to end this post. I could go on. But perhaps there will be a part two sometime in the future. Goodbye.