Reminiscing

I found who I used to be in a closed
drawer, in boxes stacked in the corner.
In the notebook with unsent letters, 
the cards from friends I no longer call,
here is the proof of more than maturity,
but something also lost: invincibility.

The Needy Person's Guide to Not Being Needy

I think it goes without saying that in general, individuals should be respected. But sometimes, people make it difficult. This post will be different than most of my posts. But after a lot of experiences, I feel like I should get this out.

I understand that people need each other. Each of us desire to be wanted, loved, and ultimately, understood. But needy people (according to me) do things counter to achieving the previously stated. They may think they are making progress toward this goal, but in truth, they may attract the wrong types of people with this unnecessary behavior. 

I like to consider myself an independent person. To be fair, I often go to the extreme of independence which is also unhealthy and can result in the alienation of people whom I actually care about. But the one thing I try desperately hard not to be is needy. This is relevant to how I am when I am interested in a person, with my family, and my friends. So I think that I can at the least supply some tips based on my own personality and observations.

Tip One: Don't publicly criticize yourself. The ultimate reason for doing this is to get someone to disagree with you. But after a while, reassuring an individual that they are beautiful, or good at singing, or excellent at ping pong gets really annoying. In addition, it can make someone who is less attractive, or good at singing, or excellent at ping pong feel badly about themselves. I do understand that there are times to talk about your insecurities. There are friends for that. But check your surroundings and motives. 

Tip Two: Don't tear down own other people in order to build yourself up. You end up just looking like a jerk. Not everyone can decipher the root reason of this action. It will drive people away.

Tip Three: Don't deny that you are needy. Perhaps this should go at the top of the list, but I'm writing as it comes to me. Denial of your neediness only makes other people expect more of you. If you know that you tend to be a needy person, own up to it. People respect honesty... at least I do!

Tip Four: Don't act like no one cares/loves/wants/needs you. It's a backhanded insult to those who take their time/money/energy/care/compassion/love/friendship and give it to you. Doing this is downright rude. It's similar to tip one; you want those people to disagree with you and tell you that they care. But why would they want to do that when you just threw it away? 

Tip Five: Don't make excuses for yourself. I get it; everyone does this. But what I mean is that if you are in a bad mood because you had a long day at work, got into a fight with someone else, didn't get enough sleep, or (for women) it's your time of the month, don't use those things to take liberty with how you act with others. How is this needy? Well it's depending upon everything around you to control your mood and expecting other people to switch it if you aren't in a positive mood. Things/people/situations can alter how you feel but it is never a valid excuse for how you treat those around you. This is something I can work on... I will be honest about that. But I guess the difference is whether you can own up to it or not. If I want respect, then I have to act worthy of respect regardless of situations surrounding me.

Tip Six: You have a problem? Fix it! Stop whining and complaining about it and asking everyone else to fix it for you. You're a capable person and the only way to prove it to yourself is by doing things. 

I think that the above things are a pretty good start. Now, some of my friends may read this and get offended....first off, this is a combined thing based on observing more than one needy person... and I also invite you to write a blog post/FB note/personal message/letter about how to not be an emotionally closed off, complexly proud/insecure, and stubborn person. 

Moment of Weakness

The fluttering in my stomach
has folded into tight knots that only loosen
when I remember the good times. Long gone
is how I think of you but maybe if I could unravel
these ropes I could lasso you back into my life.

Morning Ramble

I remembered my dream and you were there. We were just sitting together and talking, but somehow it made my sleep deeper. Not even the buzzing of my phone from a best friend could convince me to return to reality.

But now I am awake. And reality is felt in the pit of my stomach. It is strange that the inability to fix a situation stirs so intensely. These aches: cancer, undiagnosed diseases, friend's depression, conflict. It is like a disease of my own and I shrink a bit more with each spasm.

You, with your consistency to others while at the same time yourself, are the one I want to talk to. With all your positive attributes though, the one thing you could be is a bit more perceptive. But then again, I am pretty good at masking.

I honestly don't know where I am going with this. All I know is that I feel the need to write but I haven't because I don't want to be honest with myself. It would require too much right now. And right now, there's not much that I have to give.

It's May!

It is May! This time of year always makes me happy. First of all, it's the month of my birthday. Secondly, the sun starts shining more regularly in Oregon. Thirdly, I can feel summer break on its way!

To be entirely honest, the last month has not been especially fantastic for me. My mind was on overload with many situations. Trusting in God isn't one of my specialties. But in this moment, I feel great. Sure, not all of those situations have miraculously transformed, but perhaps I am changing; and that, my friends, would be the greatest miracle of all. I am learning to value life. I am a privileged person and should never take for granted the things that I have. 

This post doesn't have much direction. But in a moment like this, writing seems to be what I gravitate towards. I am feeling positive about something in particular and it makes me want to take a risk. The most epic songs are the ones running through my mind. I feel bold. It's 1:44am, and I feel bold. Why does this sudden strength not hit me at a more convenient time? 

But I digress. In 7 hours I will be taking a statistics test that I am entirely unprepared for. So let's hope that this strength spills over throughout the day. And I am out!...