I Miss You

I am full of the words "I miss you."
I am tired of words; I miss you.
This is the pit in my stomach,
always waving goodbye
more than speaking hellos.
Your hand, the one held
while crying fervent prayers,
It's void. I spoke faith
as a ritual. I played notes
as a symbol of what
I cannot be, what I used to be,
mostly when we whispered willingness
to succeed, despite the nails attempting
to claw us down. I'm down
now. Where is your hand?
Maybe picking up the phone
to say "I miss you".
Nearly worthless.

Christmas Dinner

Course One: Lentil Veggie Soup
Course Two: cheese and cracker appetizer.
Course Three: Spinach and Greens salad with red wine and vinegar dressing.
Main Course: Rib roast with red wine au jus. Roasted red potatoes with garlic and herbs. Roasted asparagus with garlic and herbs. Ciabatta roll.

Christmas Dreamlist

Here is what I would love to get for Christmas, some realistic, others not so much.

• Flight to somewhere new.
• Greece Vacation
• Mac Airbook
• New tires for my car
• Valentino Shoes
• Nordstrom Gift Card
• Boxing Lessons
• Paid school bills
• Jane Austen Book set
• Iphone Dock
• New car stereo
• Spa Resort
• Gas Money
• Money (haha)
• Gym Membership
• Espresso Machine
• Iphone Workout Armband
• Digital Camera
• Volleyball 
• Ethnic food cooking lessons
• William-Sonoma Gift Card
• Rafting Trip
• Fully funded, U.S road trip
• Non-complicated/educated/tall/intelligent/ambitious/male
• Grill
• Porch Swing
• Aprons
• Square, white dinnerware
• Friends that stop moving away from me (so, so bitter haha)
• A new place.

Once, I Didn't Run

1. Rain
I run while it rains because I'm trying to get
away from the downpour of questions.Maybe I should have ran
the first time you spoke the words you can trust me.

2. Storms
If a sentence could be a siren, words like those would signal
a storm. I should have ran
to the shelter that survives mistrust
similar to wind gusts and the disgust I feel for believing
in a different outcome.

3. Umbrella
But I can see you
waiting with an umbrella (you look
like sunshine)
if I would stop being so stubborn;
but it's Portland, umbrellas are for tourists,
silly.

4. Sunshine
Don't make me laugh (spoken through half
a chuckle). I want to stay melancholy
so I pretend to not get your comedy.
If I laugh enough, I'll trust too much.
But you catch me laughing on the inside, want
to take it to the outside; it will rain there.

5. Snow
Is snow better or worse than rain?
There was a blizzard
that made you the safest place to be
even when you spoke something so unsettling
you should trust me. There was too much
darkness and fir trees, snowflakes making
small hills look like mountain peaks. For once,
more scared of what was out than what is within,
I didn't run.
The question remains, is snow better or worse
than rain?

Depressing post, alright...

I believe that we all have different things that we lean against for security. For me, it's been friends and my goals and ambitions. Honestly, my goals and the progress to accomplish things have given me more confidence in my life than anything else. That is why right now, that confidence seems to be fading. My goals, although still in place, don't seem to be getting any closer to completion. In fact, more questions keep arising. More obstacles keep coming up. But what is to be done? Part of me wants to pack my bags and start somewhere new and push past the fear of falling flat on my face. Ok, most of me wants to just pack my bags. It's not that I don't like Portland or the people here. I do have friends here, my family is here. But what am I doing here? Right now?... Nothing. I've been contemplating purpose a lot lately. I've lost sight of mine, if I ever really saw it. You only live one life, and it passes as if its a mere moment. Should I live discontent? I don't think so... And yet I am stuck. There's so many things I've listed on bucket lists and life to do lists, and where am I at in making those things happen? Nowhere near where I should be! I'm running out of time, and yet I'm only running into brick walls.

Bad Poetry

I spend this time writing poetry about you
and your absurd way of singing
each thought and I just thought
maybe you would take some time to write
a poem for me, even if it is no good. After all,
I'll take what I can get and it would be equal
to what I'm giving. I don't know how to do things
like liking, but I'm sure you've also got a song
for that. If only music could really fix the problems
bottled up inside. There's a list of them as long as a list
of cliches I always seem to write. Perhaps, i am not
unique after all. I would be ok with a mediocre me if
there was an extraordinary us. I hate to admit it, but
there's strength to be found in holding hands.
Write me a poem about how I'm a little
unstable but that's why I have you to lean on.