Do Not Love Me

Do not love me to death,
but love me to the life I believed
impossible. Ask me if I want it all
and then hand me the lasso so I can
catch my own moon. Name the stars
after my accomplishments and seep
your confidence into me like the tea
of chamomile and the robustness
of coffee. Let this calm energy
take us night watching as the haze
of what we lacked, lifts.

Vacancy

Right now I can only count
back the days since I have
seen your persuasive smile.
Your vacancy is the origin
of an unknown way to keep
time and in this calendar,
holidays are marked as the times
we conversed about vitality.
Weekends are recognized as
the moments we dispensed
childlike honesty. Sunrises
are marked through as a step
further from the last time
my eyes were drenched
with the view of your face.
Sunsets are blemished by
the space between now
and your return.

Reflections on 2011 and thoughts for 2012

I was looking back at posts around this time last year. Of course, I commentated about the upcoming year, wrote something pessimistic about the lack of commitment people have to resolutions, and made implications about  my own determination to have a successful year. But to put it simply, this year was incredibly difficult. But despite its difficulties I can say that much has been learned.

I recognize that there have been certain people who have pulled me through this year. These people may not have been aware of everything going on, but they astounded me (and continue to do so) with their resistance to run away from my crazy moments. I enjoy the though of me being a logical person, void of mood swings and the stereotypical, female antics. But honestly, I am aware that I can abort relationships by being emotionally closed off, abundant in pride, lacking in friendliness, and thoroughly honesty and opinionated. I am amazed that individuals have possibly seen something else and didn't give up on me. Maybe it was my witty, sarcastic sense of humor, my driving ambition, along with my impeccable ability to make plans. And the previously heartfelt moment has now ended.

I am not looking at 2012 saying "this will be the best year of my life". Instead, I want to tackle this coming year with the knowledge that it will undoubtedly be a struggle, and yet one that I (with a little help from friends) will conquer. Somehow, this excites me. I wonder if this is maturity. There are two things I want to work on and I believe them to be the root of many other things: trust and pride. The two are childhood friends; I do not trust people or God because that somehow makes me weak. Here is the pride side of things. I'm not sure where I learned how to think like this, but I am seeing how a general lack of trust and a large quantity of pride can ruin a person professionally, spiritually, and in relationships. I'm not sure about you, but I would prefer to not damage myself unnecessarily. 

What is it about the end of the year or the Holidays that make me excessively use adjectives/adverbs and be superbly emotional and vulnerable? And the end of another lengthy post. 

Bucket List

Ever since I was around 12 I have been creating lists of things that are important for me to accomplish. I  have been meaning to post my bucket list on this blog for quite a while. Here it finally is! Some of these are silly, but I guess if I wrote it down, it was important to me at some point. If something is crossed out, it means I have accomplished it.

1. Travel through out Europe.
2. Get married.
3. Adopt children.
4. Get my Bachelors Degree.
5. Obtain my Masters Degree.
6. Live downtown.
7. Work downtown.
8. Live on my own before getting married.
9. Have my poetry published.
10. Work at a coffee shop.
11. Perform my own music.
12. Sing in front of a large audience.
13. Record my own music.
14. Write a book.
15. Manage a non-profit.
16. Learn how to play piano.
17. Learn how to play acoustic guitar.
18. Be a good cook.
19. Learn a foreign language.
20. Have a garden.
21. Go on a road trip, Pacific to the Atlantic.
22. Be an extra in a movie.
23. Be in a reality TV show.
24. Have a best friend. 
25. Live in DC for a year.
26. Live in NYC for a year.
27. Tell a guy I like him.
28. Make home-made pasta.
29. Take First Aid/ CPR classes.
30. Overcome my fear of jumping into water!
31. Take a pottery class. 
32. Take an unexpected trip.
33. Sing karaoke. 
34. Own a home.
35. Own a car.
36. Meet Adele.
37. Make an epic YouTube video.
38. Take a poetry writing class.
39. Fall in love.
40. Have a blog with followers I don't know.
41. Hitchhike.
42. Save someone's life.
43. Study abroad. 
44. Take an art class.
45. Take voice lessons.
46. Be outgoing and confident.
47. Be a strong leader.
48. Go camping.
49. Make my own clothing.
50. Be a someone's mentor.
51. Be in a singing competition.
52. Be in the newspaper.
53. Learn how to be a good photographer.
54. Plan someone else's wedding.
55. Decorate a home.
56. Start my own business.
57. Create my own secret/family recipe.
58. Be in a protest.
59.  Get an Iphone.
60. Buy my own laptop.
61. Write a script for a play.
62. Work with kids.
63. Research my family history.
64. Get contacts.
65. Be good at volleyball.
66. Visit every state in the US.
67. Travel throughout the Middle East. 
68. Build a tree house. 
69. Have a personal library in my home.
70. Read the Bible through.
71. Invent something.

So this is an incomplete list... but it's rather lengthy as is! It was nice to cross some things out.

Guarded

I will remember

today as the day

you caught more 

than my attention.

You commandeered

my heart with kindness

and commanded

my focus with sincerity.

Do not maroon me 

now that I've tasted

the gold and silver

of companionship.

Do not pirate my
guarded emotions.
I have been swindled
before and there is little
worse than the aftermath
of deceit. 

A generic, yet vulnerable post about love and such things...

We all have ideas about love. For me, ideas are all I have. I don't have life experiences or extravagant examples of love gained and love lost. Infatuation, attraction, liking, those are things I can write about with vast knowledge. But love? I might as well be writing about mathematics.

I can only speak as to what I see. The majority of the time I ridicule individuals in relationships. "I hate couples" is not a foreign phrase to me. I shun friends who begin spending a lot of time with their "significant other". I am forever claiming to be alone but not lonely. Sometimes, I avoid friendships with single guys. Because I am afraid of feeling something? No. My pessimistic perspective says that I will lose their friendship anyways. After all, the last things I want is the scrutiny of jealous girls.

But here is the vulnerable aspect of this post. Well, first a disclaimer: I don't do vulnerability well. I avoid it endlessly. And the times that I do put it on, I wear it like a baggy coat. It doesn't look good on me. I normally end up crying, and I hate crying even more than being vulnerable. End disclaimer.

I am devastatingly afraid to love. To be blunt, I am a control freak. I plan out my life years in advance. I walk away from situations that are not planned out. It drives me crazy to not have a plan. So this whole "love" thing frightens me. I do not understand it, so I avoid it, like mathematics, or science. In addition, this idea of being stricken with love is strange. To be stricken with lighting, a bat, a fist - these are all negative things. I cannot turn my brain off. I have been taught the denotations and connotations of words and yet suddenly when "love" is mentioned it is OK to be stricken, to fall, sick, etc. Sorry, folks. It doesn't work like that for me.

In addition, this whole "love" thing has too many what ifs. Like, what if my heart gets broken? What if HIS heart gets broken (I can be a very mean girl)? What if a perfectly, decent friendship is ruined? What if he is secretly married? Or secretly a creep? What if he hates my writing or singing? What if he thinks I'm too ambitious (wouldn't be the first time)? What if he dies!? I'm Jewish; being melodramatic comes quite naturally to me.

In reality, it comes down to this: fear and pride. I hold on to these distasteful qualities to shield and protect myself from others. Because as truthful and vulnerable I may be while typing right now, I can't guarantee the same any other time. If you ask me about this post in person, I'll cringe away, similar as to how I shrink from emotions.

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes the longest post of this blog. Now I need to go and do something to regain a comforting level of disconnection.

Untitled

You are not the

cornerstone of my
strength nor the
foundation of my
happiness.

But you may dwell
in the home I build
where strength
and happiness
are served on platters
at parties.

But we can link arms
like a duplex, sharing
front lawns and back
yards, maybe even
the insides that keep
things running.

But sometimes, you will
knock on my door
and receive nothing.
Know: I am inside,
slow to answer,
waiting for that
confirmation, it's you.

After all, I've been
waiting.

Metronome

I found a writing prompt online and these were the guidelines: "write a three part poem using metronome". So this is my attempt. 


I am a little off beat. I sing
in the rain. I'm like rain,
falling at the wrong time. I'm
like music in a foreign
language.

Can you hear the tip
tap of the drops? I move
to that rhythm. Join

me and let this
metronome guide our
next steps. That is,
as long as you don't mind
Bollywood music
and splashing in puddles.

Cheers to the weekend..... and to honest blog posts.

I'm trying to think of something to write. But maybe that's my problem: thinking. I'm always over-thinking things. I replay scenarios in my head until I am either comfortable with the projected outcome or dissatisfied enough to sabotage something. This is vague. And there I go again, critiquing as I go.

It has been a while since I've done this: written without the backspace button dictating my next sentence. Maybe, even in this public place I write, there is a space for some unedited, raw, honesty. The type of honesty that might not make sense to everyone, this is it.

I'm thinking of this past year. It's amazing how many things have changed. It is amazing how many "I'm crying because of this movie and nothing else, of course" moments I've had. It's amazing how many people have walked away and how I am grateful for those who have taken steps closer. But what amazes me the most is my vast understanding as to how limited I truly am. I am ending this year with an "aha" moment, an epiphany. I have yet to decide whether this realization is negative or positive. I am leaning towards positive.

In more detail, here is this epiphany:

• I cannot change how other's think of me if they are not willing to create a relationship with me.
• I cannot mend friendships that are so severely broken. I have to be happy with forgiveness and peace.
• That boy will never notice me, until he does... and then who knows what that means! Really though, Bonnie Raitt was right; "I can't make you love me if you don't". Goodness, I can't even make myself love.   
• I am one person and I can't take on the world alone. Well, I can. I just don't want to.
• Even if I am entirely over past, hurtful situations (which I am), they greatly effect how I go about my relationships every, single day. It's not fair to myself or these other people. 
• I cannot make decisions for people, even if they are the best decisions. 
• I absolutely despise cancer. And yet there isn't ONE thing I can do to combat it... not one. It's the most helpless feeling.
• I am most exhausted when I can't fix your problems. But the truth is, I can't. I just can not. As much as I want to. As much as I try. As much money I spend or tears I cry or conversations we have. These fragmented sentences mirror my fragmented attempts. But maybe if I realize this, I can sleep at night knowing that I've done all I can. 

And if you've made it to the end of this post, congratulations. That was impressive.

Perspective

You are an old habit in a new
place. You are my thirty day
challenge with a year of memories
along for the ride. You hide my
secrets like they are your own.

I am the potential that makes
you wonder.
I am the "go to" for stability.
I am the bittersweet memories.

Let us focus on the sweetness
of rainy days.
Let's be the place we can't
walk away from.
Let us be, us, no longer you
and I.

Maybe we were blind
before perspective
gave us
beginning.