Pretending

As a child I would pretend

to be a doctor, an orphan,

an FBI agent. Imagination

took me to places my adult

self has never had the time,

money, or bravery to venture.

Countries, planets, and people

were never far from reach.

But years have stalled

the imagination and I now

pretend I'm an adult with

a smile, friends, and compliments.

An Outline

I almost miss you and it makes me

feel bad for so many reasons.

1. You wouldn’t care:

a. Because too much time has passed.

b. And I said some things.

2. I don’t really miss you.

a. I only miss that you made me feel:

i. Pretty

ii. Worth something

iii. Loveable

b. I only miss the:

i. Laughter

ii. Encouragement

iii. Talking

3. Sometimes I still get angry:

a. Over everything.

b. Over nothing.

4. I only (almost) miss you:

a. For myself

i. I’m selfish.

ii. I’m proud.

5. And this outline accounts for a structured view my muddled mind.

Scratch and Dent Dreams - Eric Darby

This is an amazing poem and performance my Eric Darby. I have listened to this many times and each time it leaves me inspired and excited about the day! Follow the link to listen and for the free mp3.

http://www.ericdarby.net/ScratchDent1218.mp3

Photobox

This was written in honor of my grandfather upon his death some months back.

Each snapshot my memory holds
of you is soft, yet clear. Black,
and white. Maybe this is because your hair
was silver and gray since I had been snapping
pictures. Maybe it's the way a neutral
colored deck of cards were comfortable
in your hands. Perhaps its because
your hands were never smooth
but always worked. I pull photo by photo
out of my box, reminiscing each card
game. Grandma and Aunt Linda's playful
banter developed into laugher at your witty
remarks. Turkey legs, stuffing and ham
disappeared as you devoured more than possible
for your slim frame. As I turn pictures
over, I think how someone else will play
rummykub, my mom's canasta partner will change,
and come January, February, and March
leftover turkey and stuffing will remain
waiting to fill a plate.

The Spider Dance

Come gather around and join
the popular spider dance.
Your feet will jump and arms
will fly. Shock your friends
and family with the way few
know how dramatically you can
move and dance all for the fear
of a one inch creature with
eight legs and mysterious thread.

Hope (a poem)

If hope were a bright flower
on a sun-shiny day, we could
pick it easily and never
worry or be distraught.

But hope is a flower surviving
a wind storm. Sometimes you
must search and find it
and simply believe
it exists.

3... wait... 2 Followers

So I awoke yesterday and was checking around on my fabulous blog and discovered that I had a new + random follower! I was thrilled at this development and mentally patted myself on the back. After all, at least someone found me interesting! Let us speed forward to today where I found that my following had dropped from three back down to two. I lost my new friend!

Now I am asking myself what I am supposed to do. I am devastated! What is a girl to do? I would like to think that I am funny, interesting, creative, or at least weird enough to keep around, but I am losing faith.

Well, new action must be taken. Hopefully more to come...

Insanity

They say I am insane, I've lost
my mind. All the signs point
to a mentally disturbed person.
I talk to myself and have a dazed
look in my left eye and a confused
look in the right. But to be sane
is to pretend and to pretend
is to be insane. I talk to myself
because there is no other
whom I can console.

Untitled Poem

You gave me up like you give up
chocolate and mystery novels.
I wish I was chocolate because
then I would be sweet and fattening
and would be granted a reason
to be given up. I wish I was a mystery
novel because then I would be mysterious
and not trust worthy. And betrayal would fit
into the story. Instead, I am shifted away
with the masses of those who don't deserve
you, while I - I don't deserve this.

Friends

The truth about friendship is that it is a lie. Friends are supposed to look out for one another and be there for each other. But we have morphed the definition into something that is selfish. And therefore friendship does no exist. Therefore, love does not exist. We, as humans, have voluntarily decided that life is a place to fill the needs of self.

We have reached the place where 4 years mean nothing.

I have come to understand that 1,460 days are just days we will either forget or regret.

How can one easily delete another out of their life without a word of reason, a word of hope?

Friendship doesn't exist.

Celebrity Obsession/Crush

Last night I was sitting at my second home, Starbucks, with my great friend Kate. Somehow we got onto the subject of celebrity crushes. Kate willingly admitted to me her celebrity crush, one of the players for the Portland Timbers whom she described as an "African prince". Our conversation brought to mind a past conversation I had with a friend over a year ago. Basically, my friend was raving over Keira Knightley and was insisting that I also was REQUIRED a celebrity crush. On top of that, my fellow friend and blogger, Jamila, has a sick and strange obsession with the fictional character of Chuck Bass. Frankly, I was feeling rather left out of this epidemic of celebrity obsessions.

Fast forward to about 11pm. I was sitting in the burgundy recliner at my home deciding on a movie to watch. As I clicked through the nifty Netflix selections that are made available through ONE disk (I'm obviously thrilled with this), I made a decision. Opening credits went by and then his face appeared across the screen - and I knew.

So here I am at about 6pm getting ready to officially announce my celebrity crush. As of right now only my mother knows, so this is a big deal.

First of all, there are no limitations with celebrity crushes; marriage, age, children - these things are irrelevant. So with out further ado, I present Mr. Cary Grant!



It is also irrelevant that he died over 3 years before I was born. Just be happy for me, ok? So who is your celebrity crush?

Personal Life

After a year and a half of working at one of the world's worst jobs, I have quit and am now unemployed. To celebrate, I think I will picking up photography as a hobby. To honor that decision I will be posting some pictures taken by others that I have found and enjoyed.


Below are the sites I found these photos on:

Urban Photography
Smash Magazine
Urban Views

Open Book

I say, I'm an open book, ask
and I will tell. But books
only speak secrets and stories
to those who take the time
to flip through each
page, each chapter, each volume.

I am an open book, willing
to share my wisdom, my stories.
But you, you are an illiterate
fool who can't read each hint
I write.

Thanks Jamila! (not really)

So my amazing friend and writer Jamila has tagged me. I'm supposed to write 12 likes, 1 love, and 8 hates. Apparently this comes from a youtube video I had never seen before today. I'm also supposed to link back to Erimentha, whom I have never heard of before to day either! I suppose today is a day of new things.

I like boys who make me laugh and girls who are confident.
I like writing something I know is good.
I like being a friend who inspires people to tap into how amazing they are.
I like NOT being the girl who falls for any guy who gives me attention or is nice. Pathetic.
I like the feeling I get when I am alone and with my piano and I create something awesome... even though I can never remember what I did later.
I like people who listen.
I like people with morals.
I like carmex.
I like black and white pictures... there's something beautiful in the simplicity.
I like crying, dancing, laughing, and playing in the rain.
I like being right.
I like doing things that people wouldn't expect me to do.

I love feeling complete and knowing exactly what my purpose is.

Today I am not letting silly things get to me. Like a crazy boss who doesn't schedule me any days for two weeks, past mistakes, or housecleaning.

I hate not excelling at one thing.
I hate when other people are a lot better than me (that's bad, I know).
I hate when people take advantage of me.
I hate when people expect little from me.
I hate annoying pets.
I hate messing up or not finishing something.
I hate people who talk when they know nothing.
I hate when people think that rhyme is poetry - fail.

And I don't know who to tag in this! So I'll wait for that!

Free Time

For months, all I've wanted is some free time. And now, after the fourth consecutive day of sleeping in, all I want is a full time job and some homework to do. Which is why I registered for online classes yesterday. Taking summer classes makes me one of two things; both have negative implications in society for some one of my age. Here are the options:

1. I am dumb and need to take summer classes to catch up. I have this memory imprinted in my head about friends taking summer classes in elementary through high school. Every memory is associated with phrases like "they need the help", "they are so behind already!", or "graduating is impossible for them now. They should try and get their GED." So even though I'm a college student who sets her own schedule, the conditioning of ideas still exists.

2. I am a nerdy genius who just wants to learn, learn, learn! There is one primary reason this comes up: my father. He's the type of person who studies things like topology and Greek in his free time. In fact, when you first walk into our house you will be greeted by 4 monstrous bookcases which holds books most people couldn't or wouldn't read. (The pictures at the top really are from my dads home office).

So which category do I fall into? I would argue that I'm a bit of both. I am dumb because I fooled around one term, which didn't necessarily leave me behind, but just not where I want to be. And I admit to my nerdyness. Talk to me for two minutes and you will recognize that I spend a lot of time doing nerdy activities.

Now, this blog has no major point or deep meaning (this is becoming a trend), but I'm simply making observations about summer school, free time, and being a nerd. And that is the end.

The Mirror

In front of a mirror
I sit practicing my smile.
I hope to duplicate the twinkle
of the picture into my own eyes.

Fake smiles fade into pouted
lips, and not the ones found sexy,
but pitiful and remorseful.

I'm a stone statue, with a hardened
look plastered on my face.
It is now that I want
to shatter the mirror,
no matter how many years
of bad luck it brings.

Time Traveler

If I was a time traveler I'd go
back to 1999 and tell my nine year
old self that the new millennium
wouldn't hurt and that the Y2K
problem wasn't a nine year old's
problem. I would convince my pony
tail to do something more creative
and I would steal each scrunchie
and dispose of them efficiently
and discreetly for the world's benefit.

If I was a time traveler I'd go
back to 1999 and tell this nine year
old girl that the new millennium
was a year she would thrive in
and that the Y2K problem was an adult
problem she wouldn't understand
when she turned 20. I'd replace
scrunchies for headbands while all
the while reassuring my nine year
old self that when she was all grown
up, she'd be ok.

The Cabin (Risks)

Here is something I wrote back in December. Enjoy!

Splinters threaten my fingertips
and flames beg to feast upon
the pine trees that are stacked
like Lincoln Logs. Each log is etched
with carvings of pictures, notes,
and emotion. If my hand grazes
roughly against the lodging
I may be wounded. I may never
return and gaze on the amber
colors of wood and flames.
If I breathe too deeply, feeling
the pine scent tickle my nose,
I may have a reaction and the only
help would be evergreens and ivy.
But by kindling the flames
and wrapping myself in the warmth
my gaze sees that the beauty
may lay in the possibility.

Summer Goals

Here's some things that I've been wanting (or need) to do this summer. I've been compiling this list away from my computer for quite a while with the hopes of copying it here. More may be added!

- Go to the beach for a weekend.
- Get a full time job.
- Which means... quit DQ and leave with a bang!
- Write, write, write!
- Apply for internships and scholarships like a good student!
- Get a head start on math.
- Get some sun!
- Save for a car
- Visit UW and OSU
- Have Hollye visit me!
- Save money for School
- Plan for the academic year
- Make a new friend
- Advocate for something
- Be amazing (I'm running out of things)

WELL, that's about it for now. Hopefully I can think of something more witty, intelligent, or imaginary then this for the next post.

SALT 2010

Over the past week I went to Tioga, LA and worked at a Christian kids camp as a SALT (Student Action Leadership Team) member. If I could sum up what I've learned over the week I would say I learned about selfishness and selflessness.

To be selfless is something that has become obsolete in our society and in western culture. A constant push to look out for "self" is rampant amongst my generation. Self gratification is apparent in the epidemic of shallow friendships, rude people, and free sex. Media is our professor.

And what I have begun to realize is that even the most religious person can be the most selfish. Individuals go to church to feel safe and welcomed. But is that what this relationship with God is all about?

No... that's the simple answer.

The more complex answer is something like this: when God gives you a blessing He not only wants, but expects you to share it with someone else. I am remembering the scripture that says "To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin."

Selflessness is one of those amazing win/win situations because there is something amazing that happens to yourself when you freely give.

This post isn't poetic or wise. It just is. And for some reason, that's ok.

It's Necessary

Confusion is a necessary component to maturity. Maturity is a necessary ingredient for a productive life. A productive life is necessary essential to happiness.

Twenty

I currently have two pages left for my term paper. But I can't focus on it. So here I am blogging about being twenty.

"So do you feel older?" That's the question I get every year after my birthday. It's the question my parent's friends ask and then laugh with that laugh that says "you've barely lived".

And it is here that I realize that I HAVE lived, but never loved. And I'm wondering how the two have never met somewhere in the middle of my life. If I graphed my life, love would never intersect amongst all the craziness for the last 20 years of my life.

Speaking of intersecting, let me take a moment and clarify. I love people. As much as some people would argue that I am incapable of love, I really do love people. I love my family, I love my friends, I love God, I love the mentors in my life. But I've never been "IN love", as they say. Maybe this is why I get a bit on edge when sixteen year olds are claiming they are in love. But who am I to judge when I, myself, am not familiar with that feeling?

I'm not writing this to get a response telling me that I'll find someone some day and etc. I'm writing this to just say "I've never been in love, but I think it's ok."

It's as simple as that. As much as I, and most people, want someone to love them and for them to reciprocate the love, it hasn't happened. And I'm not going to go looking for something I'm obviously not ready for.

Let me explain some reasons behind my logic.

1. 7 years of school left. Yeah, that's a lot of time. Some may think I'll wake up someday and suddenly have the desire to settle down. I can't ever imagine that. And if loving someone means giving up ALL my goals, ambitions, and dreams, I am not ready.
2. "You are too ambitious for me." This statement was made in the middle of a conversation I had with a male last year. I'm sorry --- wait. NO I'M NOT! Seriously, if I have too much ambition, then get more! Sorry, sore subject.
3. Broken hearts possessed by other 20 year olds and younger. I'm really not interested in the drama that relationships at my age seem to come with. It's like a packaged deal! "FREE subscription of drama!! Value priced! Don't wait, Get in a relationship now!" Ugh, too many exclamation points - that says it all.

So yes, I'm 20 and have never been in love. And when I turn 21 I'll have the same question asked and that same laugh implying oh so much. But it's ok. Because somehow I realize that I'm living a fantastic, terrifying, overwhelming, amazing, sometimes boring, life. And love just doesn't fit into the equation right now.

This has just been a long beginning... More to come.